Self-Conscious

I don't know if this is just my weird reaction to being embarrassed or in an unfamiliar situation. I honestly have no clue.

When I was very young, my mother frown at me when I didn't act like everyone was my best friend. She'd tell me "You don't have a shy bone in your body." I think this was at least in part because those "unfamiliar people" were people I'd met before, but I have a terrible memory for linking who someone is with how they look, so... there's some wiggle room there for whether or not I was actually "shy."


But I've noticed that, even now that I'm almost 30, I'm still finding myself in situations where I'm not sure what to do or who to ask about how to proceed - or even if I do know who to ask, I feel like asking would be some kind of admission of defeat.

I've joined several online communities that honestly intimidate me, not because I'm unqualified or anything like that, but rather because these are social situations I'm not sure how to engage in.


I end up with a feeling of deep uncertainty and self-consciousness, where I'm too aware of myself to do anything without second-guessing any action or message I might consider. Part of me really dislikes that feeling, because it's close to inadequacy on the scale of emotions, but there's a section of my brain that revels in it.


Why?


Because I'm a writer. And experiencing those emotions keeps them fresh and lets me write about them much more clearly. I don't think that's necessarily a good reason to put myself in those situations, but it seems like if I'm going to feel like a self-conscious wall flower, I might as well make some use of it.


Are there any situations you've been in that inspired emotions you wanted to capture on paper?

#Writing #Emotions #Life

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